Monday, May 7, 2007

Baby Jesus, please don't make me wear a girdle again

While shopping at Mervyn's yesterday I purchased a bodyshaper by Hanes or as I'm going to refer to it: GIRDLE. For those of you like Liz and Bridget who have no idea what I'm talking about, I will explain: It is a thick pantyhose material that starts at your knees and ends at your breasts. I thought my pants at work were fitting a bit tight, so I thought; what the hell for 18.00 bucks it has to work. On the drive home my imagination ran wild with thoughts of how I would look in my new girdle. Gorgeous, Fancy, Waif, Kate Moss will have nothing on my new body. Serious, I really thought this. I decided to save opening it until just before I put my suit pants on, really give myself the gift of a new body on Monday morning!

At 5:15 am I tore open the girdle packaging. When I pulled it out to inspect it, he Heavens parted and angels came down from heaven singing, it was just beautiful. Right leg in, Left leg in, pulling..... pulling..... Jumping.... Angry Tugging..... Praying Brandon doesn't wake up...... it's on!

NO NEW BODY!

$18.00 POORER!

Instead of a beautiful curvy new body, it was still my body, only shoved in a sausage casing! Have you ever cooked a sausage to long and the insides shoot out of the ends? Same rules apply here! Where are my curves? Curse you Hanes! Top of the list!

My pants don't fit any better but I decide to keep the girdle on as I have wasted precious morning minutes on putting it on, what could possibly go wrong?

Two cups of coffee. I have to pee.

Not many people know this, but at work I am the assistant to the assistant branch manager or better known as: Dwight Shroot. This makes me very susceptible to ridicule, no need to add the fact that my girdle has the possibility of rolling down my stomach with the force and tenacity of a projector screen when pulled and let go, which has terrified me into confiding in my two work buddies J and M. J= girl, M=boy. The three of us tell each other everything which I like and we sing and yell and try to make our office a little more unbearable for those around us. You can count on J and I to do a rendition of Total Eclipse of the Heart at any moment.

"M, J, I have a girdle on and I have to pee, what happens if my pants don't fit?

laughing...........

I think I'm going to try and stick it out as long as possible."

Two minutes later I walked past M's office utterly dejected.

He asks " Whats wrong with you?"

With tears in my eyes, I produce the girdle from behind my back, hold it high in the air, like a soldier with a flag in battle and exclaim for all to hear:

" Girdle: 1, Sara: nil!"

We went to lunch.

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