While shopping at Mervyn's yesterday I purchased a bodyshaper by Hanes or as I'm going to refer to it: GIRDLE. For those of you like Liz and Bridget who have no idea what I'm talking about, I will explain: It is a thick pantyhose material that starts at your knees and ends at your breasts. I thought my pants at work were fitting a bit tight, so I thought; what the hell for 18.00 bucks it has to work. On the drive home my imagination ran wild with thoughts of how I would look in my new girdle. Gorgeous, Fancy, Waif, Kate Moss will have nothing on my new body. Serious, I really thought this. I decided to save opening it until just before I put my suit pants on, really give myself the gift of a new body on Monday morning!
At 5:15 am I tore open the girdle packaging. When I pulled it out to inspect it, he Heavens parted and angels came down from heaven singing, it was just beautiful. Right leg in, Left leg in, pulling..... pulling..... Jumping.... Angry Tugging..... Praying Brandon doesn't wake up...... it's on!
NO NEW BODY!
$18.00 POORER!
Instead of a beautiful curvy new body, it was still my body, only shoved in a sausage casing! Have you ever cooked a sausage to long and the insides shoot out of the ends? Same rules apply here! Where are my curves? Curse you Hanes! Top of the list!
My pants don't fit any better but I decide to keep the girdle on as I have wasted precious morning minutes on putting it on, what could possibly go wrong?
Two cups of coffee. I have to pee.
Not many people know this, but at work I am the assistant to the assistant branch manager or better known as: Dwight Shroot. This makes me very susceptible to ridicule, no need to add the fact that my girdle has the possibility of rolling down my stomach with the force and tenacity of a projector screen when pulled and let go, which has terrified me into confiding in my two work buddies J and M. J= girl, M=boy. The three of us tell each other everything which I like and we sing and yell and try to make our office a little more unbearable for those around us. You can count on J and I to do a rendition of Total Eclipse of the Heart at any moment.
"M, J, I have a girdle on and I have to pee, what happens if my pants don't fit?
laughing...........
I think I'm going to try and stick it out as long as possible."
Two minutes later I walked past M's office utterly dejected.
He asks " Whats wrong with you?"
With tears in my eyes, I produce the girdle from behind my back, hold it high in the air, like a soldier with a flag in battle and exclaim for all to hear:
" Girdle: 1, Sara: nil!"
We went to lunch.
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Monday, May 7, 2007
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Ever wonder how I got my glamorous job?
I worked briefly at Wells Fargo before embarking on my career at Smith Barney. I got the tip on a receptionist job in the Downtown branch from my boss at Wells Fargo. Her daughter, Lisa, worked in that office. My interview was nothing short of a complete nervous breakdown:
I was dressed in the only suit I could afford at the time, purchased from Sears. It was machine washable, couldn't afford dry cleaning. Black and brown polyester, with shoulder pads! I believe the skirt covered my ass, but I'm sure just barely. I didn't have an attache so I carried my resume in a manila folder. I also didn't have a purse so all of my crap was also shoved in the manila folder, think: keys, wallet, sunglasses. You get the picture.
This was my first driving experience downtown so you can imagine my excitement in trying to maneuver around. I was armed with directions and 15 minutes late. Needless to say I was panicked and I parked at what I thought was the office, 401 4th Street (Dicks Last Resort, hardly a Smith Barney). I figured I was at the wrong place so I used a payphone to speak to my interviewer, Debbie Lucus:
" Mrs. Lucus,I'm sorry I'm late but I'm lost. I'm at Dick's Last Resort and I don't know where to go."
"Look up, do you see the building that has Wells Fargo on it?" go figure.
"yes."
"That's us. We're on the 23rd floor. See you soon"
I hung up the payphone and started to walk/run towards the building which didn't look that far away. (20 blocks) I noticed a creepy man start to walk the same time I did so I crossed the street, then he crossed the street. I crossed the street and turned back to the car, which is where I sat until the coast was cleared. As minutes ticked by, I kept walking towards the office, the closer I got the more horrifying things started to happen to me. I believe Horton Plaza is the hotbed of all that is evil downtown because this is where most of the carnage took place. By the time I reached Horton Plaza I was beyond panicked, being about 30 minutes late and sweaty from run/walking 20 blocks. As I stood at a crosswalk I didn't notice the large white van pull up to the stop light as I was juggling my wallet, trying not to wrinkle my resume and not drop my keys. When the crosswalk light turned green I began to walk across the street, as I crossed the front of the white raper van a man leaned out of the drivers side window and yelled:
"excuse me ma'am you dropped something...."
Naturally, I'm juggling a bunch of shit. This only took 30 seconds but imagine in in slow motion...
I turned around in the middle of the crosswalk looked down, didn't see anything and then looked up at the van. The man hanging out of the van had his face painted like a clown and was giant holding a horn.
"You dropped your SMILE!!" Toot- toot-toot
I've never run so fast in my life. I started to cry, which now seems to be a theme. I was running so fast that a few seconds later I was in Horton Plaza and 2 blocks to the office which for me was safety. As I was running through Horton Plaza a Hare Krishna tried to hand me a pamphlet.
"NO!" I brushed him off, not breaking my stride..
"Karma will get you......." Now ain't that a bitch? Who says that to someone else? Nice Hare Krishna! Nice hex asshole! Welcome to THE LIST clown boy and Hare Krishna, you've been bumped to the top!
I finally made it to the office a disheveled mess. I had obviously been crying, I was sweating and you can imagine the state of my resume. Debbie, so kindly came to get me....
"Sara, I'm glad you made it. I'm sorry you had trouble finding us." We got to her office and she asked how my day had been thus far.
" I'm having a really shitty day." I really did say shitty. At that point, I figured I had nothing to loose I was already 45 minutes late, I wasn't going to get the job anyway. I proceeded to tell Debbie about all that happened on my little journey. I even think I started crying (it was the clown). We ended my interview with her offering to give me a ride to my car.
"I'm really worried about you. I'm sorry you had such a hard time."
"Thank you for your time.... Sorry again I was late."
I immediately went to my friend Erin's house to discuss the dirty details, exclaiming to her that I was most likely blackballed from all financial firms from that day forward. We laughed about it well into the evening. When I got home I had a message from Debbie Lucus offering my the job. To this day, I know I got the job because I said "shitty". That takes guts!
I was the only applicant.
8 1/2 years later......
One of the brokers I work with called me a clown, not more than a few weeks ago. He meant it in the Joe Pesci way ( "Am I a clown? Am I here to amuse you?") I started to cry. I think I might have a phobia.
I was dressed in the only suit I could afford at the time, purchased from Sears. It was machine washable, couldn't afford dry cleaning. Black and brown polyester, with shoulder pads! I believe the skirt covered my ass, but I'm sure just barely. I didn't have an attache so I carried my resume in a manila folder. I also didn't have a purse so all of my crap was also shoved in the manila folder, think: keys, wallet, sunglasses. You get the picture.
This was my first driving experience downtown so you can imagine my excitement in trying to maneuver around. I was armed with directions and 15 minutes late. Needless to say I was panicked and I parked at what I thought was the office, 401 4th Street (Dicks Last Resort, hardly a Smith Barney). I figured I was at the wrong place so I used a payphone to speak to my interviewer, Debbie Lucus:
" Mrs. Lucus,I'm sorry I'm late but I'm lost. I'm at Dick's Last Resort and I don't know where to go."
"Look up, do you see the building that has Wells Fargo on it?" go figure.
"yes."
"That's us. We're on the 23rd floor. See you soon"
I hung up the payphone and started to walk/run towards the building which didn't look that far away. (20 blocks) I noticed a creepy man start to walk the same time I did so I crossed the street, then he crossed the street. I crossed the street and turned back to the car, which is where I sat until the coast was cleared. As minutes ticked by, I kept walking towards the office, the closer I got the more horrifying things started to happen to me. I believe Horton Plaza is the hotbed of all that is evil downtown because this is where most of the carnage took place. By the time I reached Horton Plaza I was beyond panicked, being about 30 minutes late and sweaty from run/walking 20 blocks. As I stood at a crosswalk I didn't notice the large white van pull up to the stop light as I was juggling my wallet, trying not to wrinkle my resume and not drop my keys. When the crosswalk light turned green I began to walk across the street, as I crossed the front of the white raper van a man leaned out of the drivers side window and yelled:
"excuse me ma'am you dropped something...."
Naturally, I'm juggling a bunch of shit. This only took 30 seconds but imagine in in slow motion...
I turned around in the middle of the crosswalk looked down, didn't see anything and then looked up at the van. The man hanging out of the van had his face painted like a clown and was giant holding a horn.
"You dropped your SMILE!!" Toot- toot-toot
I've never run so fast in my life. I started to cry, which now seems to be a theme. I was running so fast that a few seconds later I was in Horton Plaza and 2 blocks to the office which for me was safety. As I was running through Horton Plaza a Hare Krishna tried to hand me a pamphlet.
"NO!" I brushed him off, not breaking my stride..
"Karma will get you......." Now ain't that a bitch? Who says that to someone else? Nice Hare Krishna! Nice hex asshole! Welcome to THE LIST clown boy and Hare Krishna, you've been bumped to the top!
I finally made it to the office a disheveled mess. I had obviously been crying, I was sweating and you can imagine the state of my resume. Debbie, so kindly came to get me....
"Sara, I'm glad you made it. I'm sorry you had trouble finding us." We got to her office and she asked how my day had been thus far.
" I'm having a really shitty day." I really did say shitty. At that point, I figured I had nothing to loose I was already 45 minutes late, I wasn't going to get the job anyway. I proceeded to tell Debbie about all that happened on my little journey. I even think I started crying (it was the clown). We ended my interview with her offering to give me a ride to my car.
"I'm really worried about you. I'm sorry you had such a hard time."
"Thank you for your time.... Sorry again I was late."
I immediately went to my friend Erin's house to discuss the dirty details, exclaiming to her that I was most likely blackballed from all financial firms from that day forward. We laughed about it well into the evening. When I got home I had a message from Debbie Lucus offering my the job. To this day, I know I got the job because I said "shitty". That takes guts!
I was the only applicant.
8 1/2 years later......
One of the brokers I work with called me a clown, not more than a few weeks ago. He meant it in the Joe Pesci way ( "Am I a clown? Am I here to amuse you?") I started to cry. I think I might have a phobia.
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